I am and have been in a weird mood this week. Angry for no reason it seems and trying to ensure I don’t take it out on anyone around me. Yet things have been going absolutely amazing for me. Me and Gabby have officially started our bounce house business, we got all our supplies and are getting the last few things in order before starting our bookings. I am comfortable riding Manny’s bike and crave it even. Father’s Day was great, seeing my sweet beautiful Maelyn on her 1st birthday was mesmerizing. Keeping in touch and creating new relationships with people who have me starstruck. Working half the amount of time I was at my corporate and making the same if not more money than before. Getting accepted to work in biker rallies, traveling, living!
Yet I still feel like I’m in a chokehold if I don’t give myself a release of emotions from the hard reality that I choose not to consume myself in daily. I don’t cry daily, but I ignore the urge frequently to the point where I just have to let it out in order to get better again. Queue the sad music, the heavily poured Bacardi and looking through old photos, reading old journal entries and remembering when I was whole again.
It sucks to think I will never feel whole again and I will carry this heartache around with me for a lifetime. But it feels so good to let it all out when I’m alone and can just, not care. I would give anything to hear my brother’s voice again, to see him smile again, to see him with his daughter, to friggin hug and squeeze him so tight!!!! To even just get a text back from him… The only way I can get by is to know that I am now living for him. If the roles were swapped I would want him to excel to the top, do everything that I couldn’t and be so much more, so that’s what I gotta do for him.
Don’t worry about me, don’t worry about my finances, don’t worry about my mental state, just know that I am living, every damn day for Manny. I am traveling and exploring new experiences and trying new things, taking risks and chances all for Manny. To do what he couldn’t, what he didn’t have the chance to do, because that is what I would want him to do if it were me that was gone.