Living on Purpose

I am and have been in a weird mood this week. Angry for no reason it seems and trying to ensure I don’t take it out on anyone around me. Yet things have been going absolutely amazing for me. Me and Gabby have officially started our bounce house business, we got all our supplies and are getting the last few things in order before starting our bookings. I am comfortable riding Manny’s bike and crave it even. Father’s Day was great, seeing my sweet beautiful Maelyn on her 1st birthday was mesmerizing. Keeping in touch and creating new relationships with people who have me starstruck. Working half the amount of time I was at my corporate and making the same if not more money than before. Getting accepted to work in biker rallies, traveling, living!

Yet I still feel like I’m in a chokehold if I don’t give myself a release of emotions from the hard reality that I choose not to consume myself in daily. I don’t cry daily, but I ignore the urge frequently to the point where I just have to let it out in order to get better again. Queue the sad music, the heavily poured Bacardi and looking through old photos, reading old journal entries and remembering when I was whole again.

It sucks to think I will never feel whole again and I will carry this heartache around with me for a lifetime. But it feels so good to let it all out when I’m alone and can just, not care. I would give anything to hear my brother’s voice again, to see him smile again, to see him with his daughter, to friggin hug and squeeze him so tight!!!! To even just get a text back from him… The only way I can get by is to know that I am now living for him. If the roles were swapped I would want him to excel to the top, do everything that I couldn’t and be so much more, so that’s what I gotta do for him.

Don’t worry about me, don’t worry about my finances, don’t worry about my mental state, just know that I am living, every damn day for Manny. I am traveling and exploring new experiences and trying new things, taking risks and chances all for Manny. To do what he couldn’t, what he didn’t have the chance to do, because that is what I would want him to do if it were me that was gone.

Summer Time ‘Gladness’

Hey all my lovelies, just a little update. I am officially done with my corporate life, back into the food and hospitality, but honestly I am loving it. I feel like I’m getting a chance to live my life again. I’ve taken care of all my responsibilities that have always held me accountable and I feel that now is my time to take advantage and to let loose and live a little.

Also, I got a personal trainer…. It’s a love-hate relationship. Hate the workouts because I am being pushed way further than I ever have physically but I love the results that are coming along. Not to mention the major mood boost it provides. In other news, me and Gabs are working on our new venture and coming in June we will officially be diving in 100%. We’ve stayed up a lot of nights getting everything together for this and I feel that this is going to be a game changer to a new way of living for the both of us.

Booked a trip to Hawaii, trying to go to South Dakota for the Sturgis Rally, possibly booking a trip to Vegas soon and definitely going back to Puerto Rico this Christmas. Oh yah and of course my good ole Clearwater trip to scope out where me and Gabs want to set up camp LOL. This year has been very sweet to me.

What I’ve learned so far is this, there is no need to stress over the things you do not have or the people that do not like you. If you put out into the Universe what you want, manifest the things you want and the relationships you have, everything will fall into place. Stop stressing about money and just go out there and put in the work and IT WILL WORK OUT. The Universe simply returns the energy you give.

Lastly, don’t forget to enjoy your summer!! The sun is beaming extra heavy this year, so lather up in that the sun screen and get outside. Ride your bike, go to the beach, buy skates, cruise on the longboard, pool days, star gaze. Do it all, because you never know when your last day will be and I damn sure want it to be a great one!

LIVE FAST, DIE LAST

I was cruising around while working my second job as a party stylist and I noticed this sticker on the car in front of me, “Live Fast, Die Last” and that stuck with me a little. I am finally out of my corporate job and I honestly never plan on returning to a corporation again. At least not in the aspect of working in a cubicle or being glued to a computer doing work that has no meaning to me. I want to truly live, I don’t want days and weeks and months to pass me by and nothing of significance occurring. I want to make memories each and every day and spend my days with only true and honest people who love me and I love them!

I am young, 24 and single, no kids and no ties to any one location and most importantly I am independent and support myself. This is my time to FRIGGIN LIVE!! Time to live and have no regrets and the time to always be excited for whatever is to come next. I am on the hunt for turning my passion into my income and living the life I’ve always dreamed of for myself. Traveling and living outside, seeing the world and surrounded by good-hearted people – GOOD VIBES ONLY and LIVING IN THE MOMENT! Don’t get caught up in things that don’t matter. It doesn’t matter how much money is in your bank account, it doesn’t matter how many things you have or what car you drive or what phone you have. Because at the end of it all, the only things that people will remember about you is how you lived and how you impacted their life, the memories shared between y’all. The only way to do that is if you are living!

I refuse to live a life with no meaning, a life where I have made no impressions on anyone. I refuse to live days and weeks and months with no significance in my life, or working everyday with no real adventures in between. I am not here to work, I work to live, I work to have the means to provide myself with adventure and spend those adventures with the ones I love most. Everything else just doesn’t matter. I don’t want to get to be old and be filled with regret, I want to know that when my time comes I will have no regrets because I am choosing to live every single day. I hope y’all are too! <3

NEW CHAPTER, NEXT SEASON

Guys… I feel I am entering a new chapter in life. I put in my 2 week notice at my corporate job today and secured my new job as a waitress with a best friend. I am pursuing alternative entrepreneurial ventures and event assisting. I am getting prepared to go back to school. I am anxious for all the changes that are coming up soon in my life but am also so very excited because I know this is a new chapter for me!

Nothing worth doing was easy and if you’re not scared then you’re not growing. I just have to get through these last 8 days with my corp job and the new season begins! This new season features less mental stress, more physical health, more financial growth, living more and interacting with people. Enlightening my mind by studying something I know I can be great at. Traveling, being with friends and being selfish while I still can and of course, being grateful every step of the way.

I’m tired of trying to live up to the standards of society, to the woman I always dreamed of being back when I was 8, because times have changed and a lot has happened in my life – I want different things now from when I was at 8! Therefore the version of me I need to become is going to be different as well. I have lived up to my 8 year old dreams and it turns out, that lifestyle is not me anymore. It’s time to broaden my horizons and truly live my life exactly how I feel. Here’s to a new chapter and the next season in my life!

Quarter Life Crisis

I’m sure you have all heard of a mid-life crisis, but what about a quarter-life crisis? It may be an uncommon term but it is real and I’m pretty sure many of us are either currently experiencing it or have in the past. But yes, I would define myself as currently in the eye of the hurricane of just that – a quarter-life crisis.

I am still stuck in the corporate cycle and not to hate on those who lead and love that type of work, but it is just not for me! I’ve been feeling that I have no purpose in what I am doing and I am just a puppet with my strings being pulled by chaotic and immoral management. Now, I am over the line of burnout and am on a deranged hunt for any other job that can replace my main income source so I can get the hell out of there. Under payed and over worked with little employee moral, hella stress and migraines and being easily dismissed by management. I am at my wits end.

So, aside from frantically applying to all and any other type of job, I have also applied to go BACK TO SCHOOL. I never thought I would ever hear (or in this case, see) those words come out of my mouth! I’ve just now realized that if I want a fresh start in a career that I can express any one of my many passions in, then I will need to go back to school. I will need to get a degree in it before I can even get my foot in the door for the profession itself. The best part of it all is that I do NOT have to waste any time on taking General Education requirement classes as my first degree has me covered in that area. I can dive right into the core focus of interior design and get into the work field within 2 years!

Not gonna lie, my first time around in college was rough. I was very, VERY, emotionally unstable and along with that, having a wishy-washy boyfriend for the entirety of my college career – causing lots of failed finals and 0’s on a plethora of assignments due to our on and off situation. Lots of tears and then also studying something that I wasn’t really passionate about – solely in it for the money. Now this time around, I am on my own, single, independent and have a much better grasp on my emotions, and I am ready to dive in to something that I have a growing passion for and can really truly see myself thriving in. AND I AM BEYOND EXCITED!

In the meantime I just need out of my current nightmare management situation and into something that is more “go with the flow” to get me by on livelihood responsibilities. All while studying to do something that will light a fire in me to become the person and professional I knew I always could become.

Wish me luck!! I’m gonna need it. Love y’all and you will be hearing back from me soon.

HAPPY NOSTALGIC HEART

This week… Has been outstanding. My heart hasn’t been this happy in quite some time. I visited my mom and practice my roller-skating skills and we hung out and talked and laughed and I feel that has been a long time since the last time. I got to see my beautiful, gorgeous, precious niece, every time I look at her I see Manny with all the beauty of her mom in her too. I visited my dad and stepmom’s and spent time with my brothers and we made some pretty amazing memories together, just like we always do.

If you haven’t realized by now, I am an extremely nostalgic person. I always like to think of how these are “the days”, the days we all reminisce when we are older. I feel like that’s the true gift that Manny has given me. Ever since he passed I am so, so, so grateful for my small circle of friends and family. All these days in between the big memories, I cherish. All the late night convos and the sunrises and walks and nights hanging out, all the in between, is something that I cherish dearly.

I think you get the point… it’s been an amazing fucking week and I am so thankful. Happy Nostalgic Heart!

LIFE IS MEANT FOR LIVING

Sooo I just quit my second job. I asked for a schedule change so I wouldn’t have to work every single weekend, since I already have another full time job, which meant that I was working everyday for 7 days a week! They said no so I left. I’m not cut out for that, for missing out on beautiful days and moments with my family all for some extra money that I will be just fine without. So I quit and I’ve never been happier!

Ever since my brother passed I have no time for enduring anything that doesn’t bring me joy. Life is meant for living and that is exactly what I intend on doing! #NoRegrets. I can’t tell if that’s a toxic trait or just plain liberating.. But I’m sticking with liberating, freeing, living life. Also it will give me the opportunity to focus and re-center on the things and the people that matter most to me. Get back into the gym, sunsets and sunrises, star gazing, writing and reading and enjoying the weather. All the things that make life so memorable. So ecstatic!

I’ve also decided to leave the Hometown Girl phase behind once my current lease is up. Headed to Clearwater this time next year and with everyone’s support and sweet words of encouragement, I am ready to finally be able to live my life exactly how I want. Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve been dying to get out of Jax since before I was 18! But life just kept happening and I felt for so long that I couldn’t leave, but this timing feels so perfect. Some call me more “worldly” now, I’ve lived and I’ve lost and this move is going to be a new beginning for me!

There’s my little update for this week! Slacking on getting my key west pics up, but with all this newfound free time I’m sure I’ll get it done this week!

AUTHENTIC

Just logging in to give you a mini update on life. I went on my amazing girls trip to the Keys, pictures will be up soon! So much fun but ended in a little spat, but everything has been cleared up and back to normal. Now just slowly getting back into the flow of normalcy. Work, gym, work again, journal, study, getting over my cold etc. etc. – just trying to keep up with all my goals and really just living.

Reminding myself that being my raw and authentic version of myself is nothing to apologize for. On my lazy days I find myself feeling bad that I didn’t go to the gym or meet any of my daily goals and I have to remind myself that it is OK. I am allowed to have down days, slow days and lazy days. As long as I don’t make them into a habit and as long as I snap back to my reality the next day. I am always going, going, going and when I stop, my mind instantly tells me “I am failing”. I’m not sure why I have that kind of mentality or if other people feel the same way… I find myself constantly thinking about what I want to do next, where I want to go and who I want to be and I often find myself forgetting to appreciate where I am right now. I am exactly where my 8 year old self had always pictured myself to be RIGHT NOW and that high-key blows my mind! So all these wants and desires for my future just remind me: As long as I am making small steps every day – getting 1% better each day – I will reach the end goal and be exactly where I know I am meant to be.

So yes, slow days are okay, to remember and be thankful and grateful for all that you have already accomplished. Just make sure you don’t stay stopped, stuck, or frozen – keep it moving and just keep it steady. Just be you!

Logging off now my lovelies. Hope everyone is having a spectacular week and enjoyed this FL rainy day just as much as I have!

Headstrong ASF

It’s sad that I even have to say this, but I am no one’s puppet and the fact that they’re people out there that truly believe in their ability to control me with strings… Pathetic. I will not let fear or anger take over my life. If anyone has seen the new show, “Inventing Anna Delvey” from Netflix, you would have heard when the trainer talked about choosing to be your own protagonist in your own story. Anger and fear only make you become the antagonist in someone else’s story. SO TRUE! Why waste your life being apart of someone else’s schemes, drama and bullshit.

For those of you that come to my page and do not know me personally. I am a very strong personality. I bend nor break for no one but myself. I am focused, goal-oriented, studious, hard working and forever growing and expanding my knowledge. As we all know already, terrible, terrible shit happens on the daily. It’s up to you if you’re going to feed into it and become the antagonist, driven by rage, fear, anger, depression in someone else’s story OR if you’re going to keep going, focusing on yourself, your goals, your life and be your own story’s protagonist.

I don’t know if people truly realize that on the psychological level of not giving a fuck, you can, in turn, create the best version of reality for yourself. Things only matter if you let them matter. You can simply choose to not give that issue the energy it requires to implode your life and just keep moving forward. On to the next big thing.

Don’t ever underestimate the power you have in your own mind. My life is my life. My life can have several different people come in and out of it and for every person I interact with their experience is entirely different then my own. Don’t let the people around you drag you down from your high. Surrounded by the same bullshit day in and day out but still living a completely different life because of how I choose to let it, or rather, not let it, affect me.

2022 is a year for no other person but yourself. Growth is so weird. Your mind changes, your perceptions, your emotions. Things that used to matter to me seem so trivial now. People I used to cherish with my soul, even when they hurt me repeatedly, those are just more strangers on the street passing me by now. Fuck anyone who doesn’t add to my growth. If you’re not coming up with me, don’t expect me to wait around for you to figure it out, you’re getting left behind.

Unbothered

I am so thankful that I have somewhere to go and someone to distract me and help me to forget all the pain and drama and senseless bullsh!t that goes on in my life. I got a chance to not think about my feelings, my life issues, the drama, and it was all so peaceful. So peaceful to just remember, even if temporarily, what it’s like to not have to deal with it all. To not have to walk on eggshells or feel guilt or shame for not wanting to put up with that anymore.

I really want to find my way through this because I know it truly is holding me back severely. I know now, more than ever, that I do want to move out of this city, I’m not sure where yet, but I know I don’t want to stay here forever. But I just don’t want to move and feel like I’m running. Running away from people and problems. I want this all handled and sorted away, at least for me and my mind so I can move for the simple fact of wanting to live somewhere new. A new place to be freely me & independent because I know I will thrive. I know I’m not meant to be in this city forever!

I am determined to flip this script and come out on top with a victory, to be the hero in my own story. I’m done letting the opinions and perceptions of others define my thoughts, my feelings, my self-worth and me! I define who I am, the only perceptions that matter are my own, the only feelings I’m worried about are my own! I’m done with the people pleasing and worrying about how what I do may or may not affect others and their feelings. I will not cause any drama in regards to my separation. I will simply choose to fade away in the background, unnoticed and unbothered. Unbothered by anything that is not me because 2022 is my year and I deserve that sh!t.