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Solitary

I never knew how hard it would be to find a word that describes living and being on your own without it having such a negative context to it. The best one I could find is solitary. My question though is, why does being & living on your own have such a cynical spin to it. I think that finding peace in your own company is something to be cherished and appreciated.

People are scared of feeling “lonely” but I feel grateful to spend this time with myself, to learn myself and to better understand myself. Don’t you always hear the saying, “You can’t find happiness with someone else if you aren’t even happy on your own” because I know I’ve heard this several times. So please, let’s discuss.

The So Called “Cons” of Being An Introvert

When people see a person living on their own, single, only a few friends – but even those friends have families and lives of their own, or maybe you just see someone enjoying their day on their own, all of sudden you get the urge to go “Awww”. Why is that? Why do we as a society deem being on our own as being in a state of alarm? For example let’s look at the synonymous words I found for solitary:

  • unpleasant
  • overlooked
  • struggle
  • withdrawn
  • lonely

The list can go on and on, but as you can see for yourself, apparently being an introvert deems you not one with the ways of society.

My Personal Found Benefits of Being Reclusive

Here is what I’ve found to be true for myself, although others may find other truths that they deem right for themselves.

Being solitary doesn’t mean not socializing, it doesn’t mean no friends or no communication. To me it means having your close friends your close family, your intimate group of people. But when everyone is out busy living their own lives I can still find peace in being with just myself.

I enjoy going out and doing some of the soul fulfilling things I’ve maybe been putting on the back burner. I go out on mini picnic dates on my own, I go out and treat myself to Starbucks, I go and enjoy my day and my time with just me and my thoughts.

During this time I like to reflect on the situations I’ve been finding myself in lately. I analyze and come to the conclusion that I’m just a normal woman living her life. A life of peace is all that I desire and what’s more peaceful than time spent with yourself? I love reading a good book, I love writing to my readers and I love listening to calming music to sit back and breathe and take in all the beauty of the world around me.

I don’t find myself feeling lonely but I find myself feeling more fulfilled in my life. I feel that I have purpose when I am able to spend time with myself and know that I truly love the woman I am becoming and I can find peace within myself.

Flipping Cynical to Magical

Being alone needs to stand for something more than what it currently does. Being alone means knowing yourself, knowing what you want. It gives you time to analyze and appreciate things more. It gives you a chance to build more meaningful relationships with people. It gives you the opportunity to learn what does and does not make you happy and to do more of the stuff that makes you feel content.

Here are a few things you can try to flip this negative spin on being alone around.

  • Go out on mini day adventures
  • Have solo picnic dates
  • Try a new coffeeshop every once in a while
  • Go to the beach and read your favorite book
  • Listen to a podcast why overlooking a lake
  • Ride your bike more & take in the beauty of your surroundings

This list is minimal, but you get the gist. There are so many things that people can find peace in by being solitary. Explore the city you live in and see all that the Universe is made up of. Most importantly, discover who you are and what you stand for, find your true inner happiness and enjoy the life we have all been gifted.

Until next time my dear sweet readers!

Becoming.

Hello sweetness! Here’s the update on what’s becoming of my mental lately.

The becoming update

Lately, I’ve been feeling more like myself again but it’s very bittersweet. Part of me wants to stay in the comfort and warmth of what is already so familiar to me. The other part of me is ready and excited for this new chapter! Recently the world has been pulling and pushing me forward on this new path but I’m still looking back and waving goodbye to what was. It’s a melancholy feeling but I feel like it is the right thing, I am on the right path and I will keep moving forward.

The job

My job as a server is serving (pun intended) its purpose, but in the background I am working and coming very much up to the top on other things. I am pushing full force towards my dream of being a successful business owner. Gabby and I’s bounce house business is on the verge of skyrocketing and I know this is just the first of many. There will be so much more to follow and I am becoming more at ease with this movement. A shift in life – more towards the life I’ve always dreamt of for myself.

The becoming dream

I have been working on my interior design portfolio and have great plans to go far with this entrepreneurial endeavor, something that I can call my own and something where I can express everything that I am so amazing at! I just recently became a contracted writer, something that I’ve also always dreamt of also, ever since I was 6 and watched Matilda for the first time.

Everything has been aligning perfectly and I am moving forward with excitement and a little bit of fear, but really mostly the excitement part. I am elated to be on this path and I know that I’m becoming the me that is meant to be here. The more I continue to focus on myself, the more I am becoming me. To serve my purpose here and live up to my full potential. Who wouldn’t be excited for that!?

The gist

So my advice to you my dear sweet readers is to take the leap, go in with fear and excitement for what is about to come to fruition and always be moving forward. Appreciate the good times and cherish the moments you have with your loved ones but always be moving forward. Do not get stuck lingering in the past of what was, it is time to move forward to what is about to materialize into your reality and start becoming.

The Aftermath.

Hello again! I’ve been MIA for a little bit, so here’s the update. I’ve been feeling at a loss for words lately. So much has been happening and not happening, so many things have been coming at me so fast and others seem like they’re taking forever.

I need to find a way to re-center myself and figure out what I’m doing. I’m about to be 25, the age Manny was and I’m not ready for that because I have all of nothing together. But I don’t want to continue down this spiral and luckily I’ve realized that. So today marks a day. ‘The Day’ – that I decided to get my shit together. Only now, the real question is – How?

I don’t know… But I know it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to take a lot of work to get out of old habits and start wanting more for myself. Letting go ain’t easy. As I’m sure most of you already know because that is after all, just life. I’m not sure how to go into more detail without just ‘going in on the details’, but that’s really not what I want to do with this. It’s not about The Who or The Why it just matters how I’m going to fix this.

The aftermath of the situation is now I must choose between being a person outside of my usual character in bad way or be a person outside of my usual character in a good way. I’ve been living a lie for a few months now, living beyond my means and it’s catching up. I’ve been focusing on the wrong people and the wrong things that are starting to make me stray, and forcing me forget about my goals.

I feel that I’ve been trying too many things all at once and I’m not able to put in my full 100% into any of them. When I really just need to take a step back and re-center on what’s the MOST important thing to me right now and how is that going to help me the most in the long run. So I know that solution will have to be something that requires a lot of sacrifice because I know I’ve been pretty selfish with my time this last year.

You know you don’t care anymore when your actions are being led by emotion. So, I really need to eliminate the biggest factor that is playing with my emotions right now. Problem is, that’s gonna be what I can only sum up as – ughhhhh. But at least I know it’s what needs to be done, it’s just the admitting it and the living it after. I don’t want my life to be so serious – I just want only good things to happen and to live a happy life with no problems or hiccups ever… FANTASIES apparently, wish I would’ve learned sooner.

All in all, I need to get my shit straight – is the end of this. I can go on and on about how much I’ve messed up but just know I’m working on it and I do have a plan in the works. Sooooo stay humble out there cuz it will catch up eventually.

Peace of Mind

There comes a point in life where you must choose peace of mind over anything else. No matter what is at stake, what relationships will flow away with the wind, you have to say goodbye in order to move on with your own life. To move on from the anxiety, the sadness, the drama of it all and decide that you choose your own mental health over all of this.

I have been in a weird mood lately. I’m finding myself to be in that state more often than usual and I don’t know how to help myself get back to normalcy. But I do know that any other stressors in my life that I can let go of, I should. I need to find my way back to myself and do all that I can to ensure that I live the life I deserve. I do not deserve to be questioned on trivial topics that have no real meaning in life. I do not deserve to be treated like a side show that anyone can just start shit with whenever they’re bored. I do not deserve to be anyone’s back up plan or last choice.

I feel that I am still too close to it all. Jacksonville is where pretty much all of my family is and I’m tired of secluding myself yet still being surrounded. I need to get out of here because sometimes it feels as if I can’t breathe here. It’s time for me to move on to my next chapter and find the true peace of mind I’ve always been searching for. I’ve been more distant as I am finally creating my own chapter, no longer apart of anyone else’s. Sometimes I just feel like I’m so separated that I truly feel like I’m out in the world alone.

I need peace of mind. I need tranquil surroundings. I need no more drama. I need happiness and freedom. I need air to breathe and I need a change.. Mental health will always take priority in my book. Your mind controls your life so I must be strong enough for myself to put a stop to anything and anyone who brings me down. It ends here and it’s a hard goodbye to those I will lose in the process.

Living on Purpose

I am and have been in a weird mood this week. Angry for no reason it seems and trying to ensure I don’t take it out on anyone around me. Yet things have been going absolutely amazing for me. Me and Gabby have officially started our bounce house business, we got all our supplies and are getting the last few things in order before starting our bookings. I am comfortable riding Manny’s bike and crave it even. Father’s Day was great, seeing my sweet beautiful Maelyn on her 1st birthday was mesmerizing. Keeping in touch and creating new relationships with people who have me starstruck. Working half the amount of time I was at my corporate and making the same if not more money than before. Getting accepted to work in biker rallies, traveling, living!

Yet I still feel like I’m in a chokehold if I don’t give myself a release of emotions from the hard reality that I choose not to consume myself in daily. I don’t cry daily, but I ignore the urge frequently to the point where I just have to let it out in order to get better again. Queue the sad music, the heavily poured Bacardi and looking through old photos, reading old journal entries and remembering when I was whole again.

It sucks to think I will never feel whole again and I will carry this heartache around with me for a lifetime. But it feels so good to let it all out when I’m alone and can just, not care. I would give anything to hear my brother’s voice again, to see him smile again, to see him with his daughter, to friggin hug and squeeze him so tight!!!! To even just get a text back from him… The only way I can get by is to know that I am now living for him. If the roles were swapped I would want him to excel to the top, do everything that I couldn’t and be so much more, so that’s what I gotta do for him.

Don’t worry about me, don’t worry about my finances, don’t worry about my mental state, just know that I am living, every damn day for Manny. I am traveling and exploring new experiences and trying new things, taking risks and chances all for Manny. To do what he couldn’t, what he didn’t have the chance to do, because that is what I would want him to do if it were me that was gone.

Summer Time ‘Gladness’

Hey all my lovelies, just a little update. I am officially done with my corporate life, back into the food and hospitality, but honestly I am loving it. I feel like I’m getting a chance to live my life again. I’ve taken care of all my responsibilities that have always held me accountable and I feel that now is my time to take advantage and to let loose and live a little.

Also, I got a personal trainer…. It’s a love-hate relationship. Hate the workouts because I am being pushed way further than I ever have physically but I love the results that are coming along. Not to mention the major mood boost it provides. In other news, me and Gabs are working on our new venture and coming in June we will officially be diving in 100%. We’ve stayed up a lot of nights getting everything together for this and I feel that this is going to be a game changer to a new way of living for the both of us.

Booked a trip to Hawaii, trying to go to South Dakota for the Sturgis Rally, possibly booking a trip to Vegas soon and definitely going back to Puerto Rico this Christmas. Oh yah and of course my good ole Clearwater trip to scope out where me and Gabs want to set up camp LOL. This year has been very sweet to me.

What I’ve learned so far is this, there is no need to stress over the things you do not have or the people that do not like you. If you put out into the Universe what you want, manifest the things you want and the relationships you have, everything will fall into place. Stop stressing about money and just go out there and put in the work and IT WILL WORK OUT. The Universe simply returns the energy you give.

Lastly, don’t forget to enjoy your summer!! The sun is beaming extra heavy this year, so lather up in that the sun screen and get outside. Ride your bike, go to the beach, buy skates, cruise on the longboard, pool days, star gaze. Do it all, because you never know when your last day will be and I damn sure want it to be a great one!

LIVE FAST, DIE LAST

I was cruising around while working my second job as a party stylist and I noticed this sticker on the car in front of me, “Live Fast, Die Last” and that stuck with me a little. I am finally out of my corporate job and I honestly never plan on returning to a corporation again. At least not in the aspect of working in a cubicle or being glued to a computer doing work that has no meaning to me. I want to truly live, I don’t want days and weeks and months to pass me by and nothing of significance occurring. I want to make memories each and every day and spend my days with only true and honest people who love me and I love them!

I am young, 24 and single, no kids and no ties to any one location and most importantly I am independent and support myself. This is my time to FRIGGIN LIVE!! Time to live and have no regrets and the time to always be excited for whatever is to come next. I am on the hunt for turning my passion into my income and living the life I’ve always dreamed of for myself. Traveling and living outside, seeing the world and surrounded by good-hearted people – GOOD VIBES ONLY and LIVING IN THE MOMENT! Don’t get caught up in things that don’t matter. It doesn’t matter how much money is in your bank account, it doesn’t matter how many things you have or what car you drive or what phone you have. Because at the end of it all, the only things that people will remember about you is how you lived and how you impacted their life, the memories shared between y’all. The only way to do that is if you are living!

I refuse to live a life with no meaning, a life where I have made no impressions on anyone. I refuse to live days and weeks and months with no significance in my life, or working everyday with no real adventures in between. I am not here to work, I work to live, I work to have the means to provide myself with adventure and spend those adventures with the ones I love most. Everything else just doesn’t matter. I don’t want to get to be old and be filled with regret, I want to know that when my time comes I will have no regrets because I am choosing to live every single day. I hope y’all are too! <3

NEW CHAPTER, NEXT SEASON

Guys… I feel I am entering a new chapter in life. I put in my 2 week notice at my corporate job today and secured my new job as a waitress with a best friend. I am pursuing alternative entrepreneurial ventures and event assisting. I am getting prepared to go back to school. I am anxious for all the changes that are coming up soon in my life but am also so very excited because I know this is a new chapter for me!

Nothing worth doing was easy and if you’re not scared then you’re not growing. I just have to get through these last 8 days with my corp job and the new season begins! This new season features less mental stress, more physical health, more financial growth, living more and interacting with people. Enlightening my mind by studying something I know I can be great at. Traveling, being with friends and being selfish while I still can and of course, being grateful every step of the way.

I’m tired of trying to live up to the standards of society, to the woman I always dreamed of being back when I was 8, because times have changed and a lot has happened in my life – I want different things now from when I was at 8! Therefore the version of me I need to become is going to be different as well. I have lived up to my 8 year old dreams and it turns out, that lifestyle is not me anymore. It’s time to broaden my horizons and truly live my life exactly how I feel. Here’s to a new chapter and the next season in my life!

Quarter Life Crisis

I’m sure you have all heard of a mid-life crisis, but what about a quarter-life crisis? It may be an uncommon term but it is real and I’m pretty sure many of us are either currently experiencing it or have in the past. But yes, I would define myself as currently in the eye of the hurricane of just that – a quarter-life crisis.

I am still stuck in the corporate cycle and not to hate on those who lead and love that type of work, but it is just not for me! I’ve been feeling that I have no purpose in what I am doing and I am just a puppet with my strings being pulled by chaotic and immoral management. Now, I am over the line of burnout and am on a deranged hunt for any other job that can replace my main income source so I can get the hell out of there. Under payed and over worked with little employee moral, hella stress and migraines and being easily dismissed by management. I am at my wits end.

So, aside from frantically applying to all and any other type of job, I have also applied to go BACK TO SCHOOL. I never thought I would ever hear (or in this case, see) those words come out of my mouth! I’ve just now realized that if I want a fresh start in a career that I can express any one of my many passions in, then I will need to go back to school. I will need to get a degree in it before I can even get my foot in the door for the profession itself. The best part of it all is that I do NOT have to waste any time on taking General Education requirement classes as my first degree has me covered in that area. I can dive right into the core focus of interior design and get into the work field within 2 years!

Not gonna lie, my first time around in college was rough. I was very, VERY, emotionally unstable and along with that, having a wishy-washy boyfriend for the entirety of my college career – causing lots of failed finals and 0’s on a plethora of assignments due to our on and off situation. Lots of tears and then also studying something that I wasn’t really passionate about – solely in it for the money. Now this time around, I am on my own, single, independent and have a much better grasp on my emotions, and I am ready to dive in to something that I have a growing passion for and can really truly see myself thriving in. AND I AM BEYOND EXCITED!

In the meantime I just need out of my current nightmare management situation and into something that is more “go with the flow” to get me by on livelihood responsibilities. All while studying to do something that will light a fire in me to become the person and professional I knew I always could become.

Wish me luck!! I’m gonna need it. Love y’all and you will be hearing back from me soon.

HAPPY NOSTALGIC HEART

This week… Has been outstanding. My heart hasn’t been this happy in quite some time. I visited my mom and practice my roller-skating skills and we hung out and talked and laughed and I feel that has been a long time since the last time. I got to see my beautiful, gorgeous, precious niece, every time I look at her I see Manny with all the beauty of her mom in her too. I visited my dad and stepmom’s and spent time with my brothers and we made some pretty amazing memories together, just like we always do.

If you haven’t realized by now, I am an extremely nostalgic person. I always like to think of how these are “the days”, the days we all reminisce when we are older. I feel like that’s the true gift that Manny has given me. Ever since he passed I am so, so, so grateful for my small circle of friends and family. All these days in between the big memories, I cherish. All the late night convos and the sunrises and walks and nights hanging out, all the in between, is something that I cherish dearly.

I think you get the point… it’s been an amazing fucking week and I am so thankful. Happy Nostalgic Heart!