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HAPPY NOSTALGIC HEART

This week… Has been outstanding. My heart hasn’t been this happy in quite some time. I visited my mom and practice my roller-skating skills and we hung out and talked and laughed and I feel that has been a long time since the last time. I got to see my beautiful, gorgeous, precious niece, every time I look at her I see Manny with all the beauty of her mom in her too. I visited my dad and stepmom’s and spent time with my brothers and we made some pretty amazing memories together, just like we always do.

If you haven’t realized by now, I am an extremely nostalgic person. I always like to think of how these are “the days”, the days we all reminisce when we are older. I feel like that’s the true gift that Manny has given me. Ever since he passed I am so, so, so grateful for my small circle of friends and family. All these days in between the big memories, I cherish. All the late night convos and the sunrises and walks and nights hanging out, all the in between, is something that I cherish dearly.

I think you get the point… it’s been an amazing fucking week and I am so thankful. Happy Nostalgic Heart!

LIFE IS MEANT FOR LIVING

Sooo I just quit my second job. I asked for a schedule change so I wouldn’t have to work every single weekend, since I already have another full time job, which meant that I was working everyday for 7 days a week! They said no so I left. I’m not cut out for that, for missing out on beautiful days and moments with my family all for some extra money that I will be just fine without. So I quit and I’ve never been happier!

Ever since my brother passed I have no time for enduring anything that doesn’t bring me joy. Life is meant for living and that is exactly what I intend on doing! #NoRegrets. I can’t tell if that’s a toxic trait or just plain liberating.. But I’m sticking with liberating, freeing, living life. Also it will give me the opportunity to focus and re-center on the things and the people that matter most to me. Get back into the gym, sunsets and sunrises, star gazing, writing and reading and enjoying the weather. All the things that make life so memorable. So ecstatic!

I’ve also decided to leave the Hometown Girl phase behind once my current lease is up. Headed to Clearwater this time next year and with everyone’s support and sweet words of encouragement, I am ready to finally be able to live my life exactly how I want. Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve been dying to get out of Jax since before I was 18! But life just kept happening and I felt for so long that I couldn’t leave, but this timing feels so perfect. Some call me more “worldly” now, I’ve lived and I’ve lost and this move is going to be a new beginning for me!

There’s my little update for this week! Slacking on getting my key west pics up, but with all this newfound free time I’m sure I’ll get it done this week!

AUTHENTIC

Just logging in to give you a mini update on life. I went on my amazing girls trip to the Keys, pictures will be up soon! So much fun but ended in a little spat, but everything has been cleared up and back to normal. Now just slowly getting back into the flow of normalcy. Work, gym, work again, journal, study, getting over my cold etc. etc. – just trying to keep up with all my goals and really just living.

Reminding myself that being my raw and authentic version of myself is nothing to apologize for. On my lazy days I find myself feeling bad that I didn’t go to the gym or meet any of my daily goals and I have to remind myself that it is OK. I am allowed to have down days, slow days and lazy days. As long as I don’t make them into a habit and as long as I snap back to my reality the next day. I am always going, going, going and when I stop, my mind instantly tells me “I am failing”. I’m not sure why I have that kind of mentality or if other people feel the same way… I find myself constantly thinking about what I want to do next, where I want to go and who I want to be and I often find myself forgetting to appreciate where I am right now. I am exactly where my 8 year old self had always pictured myself to be RIGHT NOW and that high-key blows my mind! So all these wants and desires for my future just remind me: As long as I am making small steps every day – getting 1% better each day – I will reach the end goal and be exactly where I know I am meant to be.

So yes, slow days are okay, to remember and be thankful and grateful for all that you have already accomplished. Just make sure you don’t stay stopped, stuck, or frozen – keep it moving and just keep it steady. Just be you!

Logging off now my lovelies. Hope everyone is having a spectacular week and enjoyed this FL rainy day just as much as I have!

Headstrong ASF

It’s sad that I even have to say this, but I am no one’s puppet and the fact that they’re people out there that truly believe in their ability to control me with strings… Pathetic. I will not let fear or anger take over my life. If anyone has seen the new show, “Inventing Anna Delvey” from Netflix, you would have heard when the trainer talked about choosing to be your own protagonist in your own story. Anger and fear only make you become the antagonist in someone else’s story. SO TRUE! Why waste your life being apart of someone else’s schemes, drama and bullshit.

For those of you that come to my page and do not know me personally. I am a very strong personality. I bend nor break for no one but myself. I am focused, goal-oriented, studious, hard working and forever growing and expanding my knowledge. As we all know already, terrible, terrible shit happens on the daily. It’s up to you if you’re going to feed into it and become the antagonist, driven by rage, fear, anger, depression in someone else’s story OR if you’re going to keep going, focusing on yourself, your goals, your life and be your own story’s protagonist.

I don’t know if people truly realize that on the psychological level of not giving a fuck, you can, in turn, create the best version of reality for yourself. Things only matter if you let them matter. You can simply choose to not give that issue the energy it requires to implode your life and just keep moving forward. On to the next big thing.

Don’t ever underestimate the power you have in your own mind. My life is my life. My life can have several different people come in and out of it and for every person I interact with their experience is entirely different then my own. Don’t let the people around you drag you down from your high. Surrounded by the same bullshit day in and day out but still living a completely different life because of how I choose to let it, or rather, not let it, affect me.

2022 is a year for no other person but yourself. Growth is so weird. Your mind changes, your perceptions, your emotions. Things that used to matter to me seem so trivial now. People I used to cherish with my soul, even when they hurt me repeatedly, those are just more strangers on the street passing me by now. Fuck anyone who doesn’t add to my growth. If you’re not coming up with me, don’t expect me to wait around for you to figure it out, you’re getting left behind.

Unbothered

I am so thankful that I have somewhere to go and someone to distract me and help me to forget all the pain and drama and senseless bullsh!t that goes on in my life. I got a chance to not think about my feelings, my life issues, the drama, and it was all so peaceful. So peaceful to just remember, even if temporarily, what it’s like to not have to deal with it all. To not have to walk on eggshells or feel guilt or shame for not wanting to put up with that anymore.

I really want to find my way through this because I know it truly is holding me back severely. I know now, more than ever, that I do want to move out of this city, I’m not sure where yet, but I know I don’t want to stay here forever. But I just don’t want to move and feel like I’m running. Running away from people and problems. I want this all handled and sorted away, at least for me and my mind so I can move for the simple fact of wanting to live somewhere new. A new place to be freely me & independent because I know I will thrive. I know I’m not meant to be in this city forever!

I am determined to flip this script and come out on top with a victory, to be the hero in my own story. I’m done letting the opinions and perceptions of others define my thoughts, my feelings, my self-worth and me! I define who I am, the only perceptions that matter are my own, the only feelings I’m worried about are my own! I’m done with the people pleasing and worrying about how what I do may or may not affect others and their feelings. I will not cause any drama in regards to my separation. I will simply choose to fade away in the background, unnoticed and unbothered. Unbothered by anything that is not me because 2022 is my year and I deserve that sh!t.

TRAPPED

This week started out ROUGH and it’s made me realize that I have a long, long way to go on my mental healing journey. I felt that I’ve been fine for almost 4 months now and I was wondering if it was always going to be this way from now on. Then just one thing after the other just started piling on top of each other until I reached my mental capacity for bullshit and BOOM! I was out of commission for THREE DAYS! That’s just plain unacceptable.

It took me 3 days to get my mental state back on track and back into my daily routines, 3 days to crawl back to normalcy. I even had to call out of work on a Monday to just lay down and watch movies all day and just have a day of nothing. Not seeing or responding to anyone, not doing anything not even saying one word all day. After listening to some powerful podcasts I learned that I may suffer from what they call, “trapped emotions”.

It’s an interesting term, basically it’s when you’ve suffered some type of traumatic event(s) throughout life and you never gave yourself the time of day to deal with those emotions. You never got over it because “you didn’t feel like crying” or “getting into your feels right now”, so instead you just ignored it and pushed it down. But the problem with that, as I have recently found out, is that the smallest trigger can onset ALL of those emotions that you have been swallowing down and it all comes out at once which can lead to drastic events taking place. It can lead to being decommissioned for days instead of just a few minutes or hours, as it should take if you had properly dealt with said traumatic emotions.

I think this is something everyone should look into rather than the alternative of ignoring it. There is no one set way of “dealing with your emotions” but I recommend you at least explore the idea. I do a lot of journaling and writing, I like to process things slowly before confronting them. I don’t know if part of “dealing” with your emotions means confronting the person you have those issues with but I don’t think it would hurt… I mean, every situation is different but this can definitely be a completely internal thing and let’s just leave others out of it. Let yourself ugly cry, Lord knows I have, let yourself scream and be angry and really FEEL your feelings and THEN MOVE FORWARD IN LIFE! I would hate for my issues today and from last year and from 6 years ago to still be the same trapped issues/emotions that I carry around with me in 5 to 10 years from now. I would hope that I have moved on by then, but I know the only way for that to even occur is by dealing with those emotions, those feelings, those demons RIGHT NOW.

Just something I’d though I’d share with y’all. I know I have a long road ahead of me and I can’t wait to see where I’m at once all of that is resolved and behind me, for good.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

It’s not the fact that I’ve been secluded since I moved to my own place, although that is a key factor, not gonna lie. But in all honesty the amount of journaling and reading and listening to podcasts I’ve been doing has increased immensely and in those things I’ve learned a little more about boundaries.

So many people have boundaries but how many of us can say that we actually stand by them and respect them, which in turn means respecting ourselves. Enforcing boundaries is the main part of having boundaries. Why be up front with someone and tell them what does and doesn’t bother you just to continue letting them disrespect you and your feelings by always crossing the line. What I really took away from all this is, yes we all have boundaries and most of us know them right away. But enforcing them is another story. I have had a lot of instances where I put my feelings to the side just because I didn’t want to start any drama or make anyone feel uncomfortable, at the expense of my own peace!

I will no longer be doing that, being in complete solitude and finding my peace has been so amazing and I refuse to introduce or re-introduce anyone into my life that jeopardizes that peace. I think putting in place boundaries with new relationships is easier than instilling boundaries with seasoned relationships. Just be sure to introduce them with grace, give the person some time to adjust and make sure there are consequences in place for when those boundaries are broken. If someone breaks one of your boundaries and continues to do so and you just continue to not doing anything about it, well I’m pretty sure they’re just gonna keep doing it. So if people aren’t respecting your feelings after you’ve made them clear it’s time to put some distance between you and that person until they can respect you and your boundaries.

One more thing before I jump off, “Blood isn’t thicker than peace” – straight from my favorite podcast ‘The Self Love Fix’. Don’t use the excuse of “they are my family” to keep them around if they truly do not respect your boundaries. I for one have had to step away from a lot of relatives in order to maintain my peace and honestly it really has been for the better. I used to be caught up in a never ending cycle of drama just because I was living my life and they decided that what I was doing wasn’t up to par with what they thought I should be doing. Guess what, it’s my life and I choose my family, just because we share the same blood in our veins does not mean you deserve a place in my life. I’m not saying to cut them out completely if that isn’t a true option for you (sometimes it is) but at least put some distance between you and that person. They don’t need to be involved in your everyday affairs, just be sure that you are in control and never give them that chance to cross the line again.

BOUNDARIES = RESPECT – IT CHANGES LIVES! Be sure to enforce yours and just watch how much better life can be!

YOU VS YOU

Whenever I am by myself and just sitting with my personality and my problems and really picking everything apart, I feel like I discover a few hidden gems in this big head of mine. I notice things that I don’t particularly like about myself and catch myself when I am acting in that way to try to correct the behavior. I notice things around me that just don’t make sense to me and literally just make my mind boggle. I think of how things were and because of that, how things are now. I pretty much am just having full on conversations with myself on the regular.

But honestly, I think those are the best moments. When you are all alone with your thoughts, just you and more you. It really makes me appreciate life more, it helps me to have a better understanding of things, find a deeper meaning behind people, actions and things. I am not one to react to any situation in the spur of the moment, I always like to gather my thoughts on the subject before sending out my rebuttal. Maybe I was in the wrong and I try to see things from the other person’s perspective, I try to get in their headspace. Or maybe I am just thinking about why I am the way I am and all that’s lead up to me being this way. I even think about the ‘would’ve, could’ve, should’ve’ scenarios, but I try not to dwell on anything I can’t change.

I am always trying to better myself each and every day because this is not an overnight process. This is a daily choice I have to make and sometimes I make mistakes and fail and feel shitty about it. But all we can do is learn from our mistakes and keep moving forward. No point in torturing yourself with what you cannot change. You won’t be happy unless you decide to be happy, for some reason people like to associate happiness with a person, a place or an object. But once that person is gone, the place has been seen or that object obtained, then what’s left? Happiness is way of being, a choice that has to be made every single day. There is no “right time” or “perfect place” to wipe away all your struggles, no sense in waiting for things to happen before you can be “happy”. There is no better time and place to choose to be happy then right here and now. It’s always going to be you versus the world or you versus you. You versus whatever the world throws at you, which will be a shit ton, or whatever you choose to focus on and make better for yourself.

I’ll take my chances with the YOU vs YOU.

#NOREGRETS

Have you ever heard the saying that you don’t really know what you have until it’s gone? I feel like I’ve got a big smack in the face of that just this last year. But instead of dwelling on how much I’ve lost, I took it as an opportunity to look at what I’ve gained.

Since losing my oldest brother, the one I shared all my childhood memories with and grew up with and then getting dumped by my boyfriend of almost 4 years, not to mention the turmoil my family had to go through while we all went through our stages of grief, my eyes have been ultimately opened.

I started the year out still trying to make it as an entrepreneur but it just wasn’t working out for me, not to mention my lack of motivation after everything happened and my hiatus from all forms of social media. I was without a steady job until late June, living at home, napping most of the day away, with no idea of what I wanted to do next. I felt like a lost cause, sad, broken, confused, and helpless.

That act got old real quick. I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. I was tired of singling myself out, as if I’m the only person in the world who had ever lost their brother, as if I’m the only person who had ever gotten dumped, as if I’m the only person who had to struggle in life period. I decided to make the best of the crappy situation I had been handed and turned my shit around real quick. I will not play victim to this life. I will die knowing that I’ve done everything humanly possible to fulfill all my wants, desires and dreams!

So all this detrimental loss of 2021 had only fueled me to want to do and be better. I see life from a whole different perspective now. Since Manny (my brother), some things that used to bother the life out of me just seem so trivial and shallow now. I’ve learned to truly appreciate each and every small, tiny moment with my family and those that I love most. I’ve learned that no matter how hard you try or want, those people not meant for you will not stick around. I’ve learned to just take a damn chance on yourself because you might not wake up tomorrow and I don’t want any regrets when it’s my time to return home. I’ve learned that life is more than just the basics of love & hate, happiness or sadness, rich or poor, it’s about everything in between and the ups and downs that come along with it all.

It’s time we all appreciate everything we have in our lives and the world around us. When was the last time you watched a sunrise or a sunset? When was the last time you went out for a long aimless drive at midnight with your best friend, just screaming your favorite songs together and cherishing every minute? When was the last time you went out and parked to just stare at the stars? When was the last time you looked at a loved one and just flashed back to every great and amazing memory you’ve had with them and feel an immense surge of love for that person? When was the last time you were with someone that felt so much like home that you could just cry tears of joy? LIKE COME ON!! If you haven’t done something that makes your heart feel warm and gives your stomach butterflies, can you really say you’re living? LIKE REALLY LIVING! Luckily, for me, all of the above has been done more than once in just this last week!

I will never let another minute go by without appreciating everything it has to offer. We are never guaranteed a tomorrow, I learned that the hard way. I see life so differently now and it’s all because of Manny. I have so much to thank him for, I have a life worth living because of him. He is always my motivator, my inspiration to keep living a life full of wonder. Life isn’t all butterflies and rainbow kisses, but I’ll be damned if I don’t appreciate everything it throws my way. I will dedicate myself to myself and make sure I die with no regrets on what I would’ve, could’ve or should’ve done differently.

A SoulMate

This post is dedicated to my beautiful stepmother, who started out as a stranger and ended up becoming more than I could ever ask for, a soulmate.

Our first encounter happened just about 10 years ago now and never would I have imagined our relationship to evolve to what it is today. I am so eternally thankful for your love, your kindness, your compassion, your guidance, your friendship. Even though our journey started off with a lot of ups and downs, God knew exactly what he was doing when he introduced you into my life. He knew I needed you before I could even understand how. He knew that I needed your beautiful, light and airy soul to guide mine through the many trials in life and he knew that we both needed each other to reach the other side of our shared journeys.

The many adventures we have shared together, I treasure always. The advice you bestow upon me is invaluable and the love you fill me up with is undeniably priceless. Being a 20-something year old in this crazy post-COVID world, being on the hunt for my purpose, while searching for my own path and independence, I didn’t even recognize until recently, that God has already sent me my other half almost a decade ago. Living so closely with you this past year has only strengthened our relationship and solidified it even more. Being so close to someone who understands me down to my core and never passes judgment on me, someone who only wants to lift me up and help me find my way and someone who just gets it because they have been where I am. Learning you and your ways and bonding on a level that is so pure and true with no wonder of ulterior motives or judgement being passed. Being able to just truly be ourselves with each other is a true blessing. I finally feel like this world isn’t all bad if there are people like you that exist.

Someone I can go to for absolutely anything and have real and deep conversations with. Someone who vibes with me so flawlessly and undergoes the same type of thought processes as me, someone who sees this life in the same light that I do and who enjoys traveling frequently and laughing often, only striving to live the best version of life we can create for ourselves. Positivity as a Lifestyle is what perfectly describes the both of us. I have grown to see you flourish and change so much into such an amazing person, someone that I aspire to be just like and seeing that you can do it, only inspires me to keep going, even through the worst of times.

I wish you could see YOU through MY eyes, then you would understand just how much I love you and am inspired by you.

You are undeniably the person made for me, my own personal soulmate and I am so happy that we have been chosen to be linked in each other’s journeys. My real lesson from meeting you, is to always trust that God knows what he is doing and to trust the timing. The ones meant for you will arrive right when they are supposed to and change you in ways you didn’t even think possible.

I love you Jameen.