Living on Purpose

I am and have been in a weird mood this week. Angry for no reason it seems and trying to ensure I don’t take it out on anyone around me. Yet things have been going absolutely amazing for me. Me and Gabby have officially started our bounce house business, we got all our supplies and are getting the last few things in order before starting our bookings. I am comfortable riding Manny’s bike and crave it even. Father’s Day was great, seeing my sweet beautiful Maelyn on her 1st birthday was mesmerizing. Keeping in touch and creating new relationships with people who have me starstruck. Working half the amount of time I was at my corporate and making the same if not more money than before. Getting accepted to work in biker rallies, traveling, living!

Yet I still feel like I’m in a chokehold if I don’t give myself a release of emotions from the hard reality that I choose not to consume myself in daily. I don’t cry daily, but I ignore the urge frequently to the point where I just have to let it out in order to get better again. Queue the sad music, the heavily poured Bacardi and looking through old photos, reading old journal entries and remembering when I was whole again.

It sucks to think I will never feel whole again and I will carry this heartache around with me for a lifetime. But it feels so good to let it all out when I’m alone and can just, not care. I would give anything to hear my brother’s voice again, to see him smile again, to see him with his daughter, to friggin hug and squeeze him so tight!!!! To even just get a text back from him… The only way I can get by is to know that I am now living for him. If the roles were swapped I would want him to excel to the top, do everything that I couldn’t and be so much more, so that’s what I gotta do for him.

Don’t worry about me, don’t worry about my finances, don’t worry about my mental state, just know that I am living, every damn day for Manny. I am traveling and exploring new experiences and trying new things, taking risks and chances all for Manny. To do what he couldn’t, what he didn’t have the chance to do, because that is what I would want him to do if it were me that was gone.

Summer Time ‘Gladness’

Hey all my lovelies, just a little update. I am officially done with my corporate life, back into the food and hospitality, but honestly I am loving it. I feel like I’m getting a chance to live my life again. I’ve taken care of all my responsibilities that have always held me accountable and I feel that now is my time to take advantage and to let loose and live a little.

Also, I got a personal trainer…. It’s a love-hate relationship. Hate the workouts because I am being pushed way further than I ever have physically but I love the results that are coming along. Not to mention the major mood boost it provides. In other news, me and Gabs are working on our new venture and coming in June we will officially be diving in 100%. We’ve stayed up a lot of nights getting everything together for this and I feel that this is going to be a game changer to a new way of living for the both of us.

Booked a trip to Hawaii, trying to go to South Dakota for the Sturgis Rally, possibly booking a trip to Vegas soon and definitely going back to Puerto Rico this Christmas. Oh yah and of course my good ole Clearwater trip to scope out where me and Gabs want to set up camp LOL. This year has been very sweet to me.

What I’ve learned so far is this, there is no need to stress over the things you do not have or the people that do not like you. If you put out into the Universe what you want, manifest the things you want and the relationships you have, everything will fall into place. Stop stressing about money and just go out there and put in the work and IT WILL WORK OUT. The Universe simply returns the energy you give.

Lastly, don’t forget to enjoy your summer!! The sun is beaming extra heavy this year, so lather up in that the sun screen and get outside. Ride your bike, go to the beach, buy skates, cruise on the longboard, pool days, star gaze. Do it all, because you never know when your last day will be and I damn sure want it to be a great one!

LIVE FAST, DIE LAST

I was cruising around while working my second job as a party stylist and I noticed this sticker on the car in front of me, “Live Fast, Die Last” and that stuck with me a little. I am finally out of my corporate job and I honestly never plan on returning to a corporation again. At least not in the aspect of working in a cubicle or being glued to a computer doing work that has no meaning to me. I want to truly live, I don’t want days and weeks and months to pass me by and nothing of significance occurring. I want to make memories each and every day and spend my days with only true and honest people who love me and I love them!

I am young, 24 and single, no kids and no ties to any one location and most importantly I am independent and support myself. This is my time to FRIGGIN LIVE!! Time to live and have no regrets and the time to always be excited for whatever is to come next. I am on the hunt for turning my passion into my income and living the life I’ve always dreamed of for myself. Traveling and living outside, seeing the world and surrounded by good-hearted people – GOOD VIBES ONLY and LIVING IN THE MOMENT! Don’t get caught up in things that don’t matter. It doesn’t matter how much money is in your bank account, it doesn’t matter how many things you have or what car you drive or what phone you have. Because at the end of it all, the only things that people will remember about you is how you lived and how you impacted their life, the memories shared between y’all. The only way to do that is if you are living!

I refuse to live a life with no meaning, a life where I have made no impressions on anyone. I refuse to live days and weeks and months with no significance in my life, or working everyday with no real adventures in between. I am not here to work, I work to live, I work to have the means to provide myself with adventure and spend those adventures with the ones I love most. Everything else just doesn’t matter. I don’t want to get to be old and be filled with regret, I want to know that when my time comes I will have no regrets because I am choosing to live every single day. I hope y’all are too! <3

NEW CHAPTER, NEXT SEASON

Guys… I feel I am entering a new chapter in life. I put in my 2 week notice at my corporate job today and secured my new job as a waitress with a best friend. I am pursuing alternative entrepreneurial ventures and event assisting. I am getting prepared to go back to school. I am anxious for all the changes that are coming up soon in my life but am also so very excited because I know this is a new chapter for me!

Nothing worth doing was easy and if you’re not scared then you’re not growing. I just have to get through these last 8 days with my corp job and the new season begins! This new season features less mental stress, more physical health, more financial growth, living more and interacting with people. Enlightening my mind by studying something I know I can be great at. Traveling, being with friends and being selfish while I still can and of course, being grateful every step of the way.

I’m tired of trying to live up to the standards of society, to the woman I always dreamed of being back when I was 8, because times have changed and a lot has happened in my life – I want different things now from when I was at 8! Therefore the version of me I need to become is going to be different as well. I have lived up to my 8 year old dreams and it turns out, that lifestyle is not me anymore. It’s time to broaden my horizons and truly live my life exactly how I feel. Here’s to a new chapter and the next season in my life!

HAPPY NOSTALGIC HEART

This week… Has been outstanding. My heart hasn’t been this happy in quite some time. I visited my mom and practice my roller-skating skills and we hung out and talked and laughed and I feel that has been a long time since the last time. I got to see my beautiful, gorgeous, precious niece, every time I look at her I see Manny with all the beauty of her mom in her too. I visited my dad and stepmom’s and spent time with my brothers and we made some pretty amazing memories together, just like we always do.

If you haven’t realized by now, I am an extremely nostalgic person. I always like to think of how these are “the days”, the days we all reminisce when we are older. I feel like that’s the true gift that Manny has given me. Ever since he passed I am so, so, so grateful for my small circle of friends and family. All these days in between the big memories, I cherish. All the late night convos and the sunrises and walks and nights hanging out, all the in between, is something that I cherish dearly.

I think you get the point… it’s been an amazing fucking week and I am so thankful. Happy Nostalgic Heart!

LIFE IS MEANT FOR LIVING

Sooo I just quit my second job. I asked for a schedule change so I wouldn’t have to work every single weekend, since I already have another full time job, which meant that I was working everyday for 7 days a week! They said no so I left. I’m not cut out for that, for missing out on beautiful days and moments with my family all for some extra money that I will be just fine without. So I quit and I’ve never been happier!

Ever since my brother passed I have no time for enduring anything that doesn’t bring me joy. Life is meant for living and that is exactly what I intend on doing! #NoRegrets. I can’t tell if that’s a toxic trait or just plain liberating.. But I’m sticking with liberating, freeing, living life. Also it will give me the opportunity to focus and re-center on the things and the people that matter most to me. Get back into the gym, sunsets and sunrises, star gazing, writing and reading and enjoying the weather. All the things that make life so memorable. So ecstatic!

I’ve also decided to leave the Hometown Girl phase behind once my current lease is up. Headed to Clearwater this time next year and with everyone’s support and sweet words of encouragement, I am ready to finally be able to live my life exactly how I want. Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve been dying to get out of Jax since before I was 18! But life just kept happening and I felt for so long that I couldn’t leave, but this timing feels so perfect. Some call me more “worldly” now, I’ve lived and I’ve lost and this move is going to be a new beginning for me!

There’s my little update for this week! Slacking on getting my key west pics up, but with all this newfound free time I’m sure I’ll get it done this week!

AUTHENTIC

Just logging in to give you a mini update on life. I went on my amazing girls trip to the Keys, pictures will be up soon! So much fun but ended in a little spat, but everything has been cleared up and back to normal. Now just slowly getting back into the flow of normalcy. Work, gym, work again, journal, study, getting over my cold etc. etc. – just trying to keep up with all my goals and really just living.

Reminding myself that being my raw and authentic version of myself is nothing to apologize for. On my lazy days I find myself feeling bad that I didn’t go to the gym or meet any of my daily goals and I have to remind myself that it is OK. I am allowed to have down days, slow days and lazy days. As long as I don’t make them into a habit and as long as I snap back to my reality the next day. I am always going, going, going and when I stop, my mind instantly tells me “I am failing”. I’m not sure why I have that kind of mentality or if other people feel the same way… I find myself constantly thinking about what I want to do next, where I want to go and who I want to be and I often find myself forgetting to appreciate where I am right now. I am exactly where my 8 year old self had always pictured myself to be RIGHT NOW and that high-key blows my mind! So all these wants and desires for my future just remind me: As long as I am making small steps every day – getting 1% better each day – I will reach the end goal and be exactly where I know I am meant to be.

So yes, slow days are okay, to remember and be thankful and grateful for all that you have already accomplished. Just make sure you don’t stay stopped, stuck, or frozen – keep it moving and just keep it steady. Just be you!

Logging off now my lovelies. Hope everyone is having a spectacular week and enjoyed this FL rainy day just as much as I have!

YOU VS YOU

Whenever I am by myself and just sitting with my personality and my problems and really picking everything apart, I feel like I discover a few hidden gems in this big head of mine. I notice things that I don’t particularly like about myself and catch myself when I am acting in that way to try to correct the behavior. I notice things around me that just don’t make sense to me and literally just make my mind boggle. I think of how things were and because of that, how things are now. I pretty much am just having full on conversations with myself on the regular.

But honestly, I think those are the best moments. When you are all alone with your thoughts, just you and more you. It really makes me appreciate life more, it helps me to have a better understanding of things, find a deeper meaning behind people, actions and things. I am not one to react to any situation in the spur of the moment, I always like to gather my thoughts on the subject before sending out my rebuttal. Maybe I was in the wrong and I try to see things from the other person’s perspective, I try to get in their headspace. Or maybe I am just thinking about why I am the way I am and all that’s lead up to me being this way. I even think about the ‘would’ve, could’ve, should’ve’ scenarios, but I try not to dwell on anything I can’t change.

I am always trying to better myself each and every day because this is not an overnight process. This is a daily choice I have to make and sometimes I make mistakes and fail and feel shitty about it. But all we can do is learn from our mistakes and keep moving forward. No point in torturing yourself with what you cannot change. You won’t be happy unless you decide to be happy, for some reason people like to associate happiness with a person, a place or an object. But once that person is gone, the place has been seen or that object obtained, then what’s left? Happiness is way of being, a choice that has to be made every single day. There is no “right time” or “perfect place” to wipe away all your struggles, no sense in waiting for things to happen before you can be “happy”. There is no better time and place to choose to be happy then right here and now. It’s always going to be you versus the world or you versus you. You versus whatever the world throws at you, which will be a shit ton, or whatever you choose to focus on and make better for yourself.

I’ll take my chances with the YOU vs YOU.

#NOREGRETS

Have you ever heard the saying that you don’t really know what you have until it’s gone? I feel like I’ve got a big smack in the face of that just this last year. But instead of dwelling on how much I’ve lost, I took it as an opportunity to look at what I’ve gained.

Since losing my oldest brother, the one I shared all my childhood memories with and grew up with and then getting dumped by my boyfriend of almost 4 years, not to mention the turmoil my family had to go through while we all went through our stages of grief, my eyes have been ultimately opened.

I started the year out still trying to make it as an entrepreneur but it just wasn’t working out for me, not to mention my lack of motivation after everything happened and my hiatus from all forms of social media. I was without a steady job until late June, living at home, napping most of the day away, with no idea of what I wanted to do next. I felt like a lost cause, sad, broken, confused, and helpless.

That act got old real quick. I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. I was tired of singling myself out, as if I’m the only person in the world who had ever lost their brother, as if I’m the only person who had ever gotten dumped, as if I’m the only person who had to struggle in life period. I decided to make the best of the crappy situation I had been handed and turned my shit around real quick. I will not play victim to this life. I will die knowing that I’ve done everything humanly possible to fulfill all my wants, desires and dreams!

So all this detrimental loss of 2021 had only fueled me to want to do and be better. I see life from a whole different perspective now. Since Manny (my brother), some things that used to bother the life out of me just seem so trivial and shallow now. I’ve learned to truly appreciate each and every small, tiny moment with my family and those that I love most. I’ve learned that no matter how hard you try or want, those people not meant for you will not stick around. I’ve learned to just take a damn chance on yourself because you might not wake up tomorrow and I don’t want any regrets when it’s my time to return home. I’ve learned that life is more than just the basics of love & hate, happiness or sadness, rich or poor, it’s about everything in between and the ups and downs that come along with it all.

It’s time we all appreciate everything we have in our lives and the world around us. When was the last time you watched a sunrise or a sunset? When was the last time you went out for a long aimless drive at midnight with your best friend, just screaming your favorite songs together and cherishing every minute? When was the last time you went out and parked to just stare at the stars? When was the last time you looked at a loved one and just flashed back to every great and amazing memory you’ve had with them and feel an immense surge of love for that person? When was the last time you were with someone that felt so much like home that you could just cry tears of joy? LIKE COME ON!! If you haven’t done something that makes your heart feel warm and gives your stomach butterflies, can you really say you’re living? LIKE REALLY LIVING! Luckily, for me, all of the above has been done more than once in just this last week!

I will never let another minute go by without appreciating everything it has to offer. We are never guaranteed a tomorrow, I learned that the hard way. I see life so differently now and it’s all because of Manny. I have so much to thank him for, I have a life worth living because of him. He is always my motivator, my inspiration to keep living a life full of wonder. Life isn’t all butterflies and rainbow kisses, but I’ll be damned if I don’t appreciate everything it throws my way. I will dedicate myself to myself and make sure I die with no regrets on what I would’ve, could’ve or should’ve done differently.

A SoulMate

This post is dedicated to my beautiful stepmother, who started out as a stranger and ended up becoming more than I could ever ask for, a soulmate.

Our first encounter happened just about 10 years ago now and never would I have imagined our relationship to evolve to what it is today. I am so eternally thankful for your love, your kindness, your compassion, your guidance, your friendship. Even though our journey started off with a lot of ups and downs, God knew exactly what he was doing when he introduced you into my life. He knew I needed you before I could even understand how. He knew that I needed your beautiful, light and airy soul to guide mine through the many trials in life and he knew that we both needed each other to reach the other side of our shared journeys.

The many adventures we have shared together, I treasure always. The advice you bestow upon me is invaluable and the love you fill me up with is undeniably priceless. Being a 20-something year old in this crazy post-COVID world, being on the hunt for my purpose, while searching for my own path and independence, I didn’t even recognize until recently, that God has already sent me my other half almost a decade ago. Living so closely with you this past year has only strengthened our relationship and solidified it even more. Being so close to someone who understands me down to my core and never passes judgment on me, someone who only wants to lift me up and help me find my way and someone who just gets it because they have been where I am. Learning you and your ways and bonding on a level that is so pure and true with no wonder of ulterior motives or judgement being passed. Being able to just truly be ourselves with each other is a true blessing. I finally feel like this world isn’t all bad if there are people like you that exist.

Someone I can go to for absolutely anything and have real and deep conversations with. Someone who vibes with me so flawlessly and undergoes the same type of thought processes as me, someone who sees this life in the same light that I do and who enjoys traveling frequently and laughing often, only striving to live the best version of life we can create for ourselves. Positivity as a Lifestyle is what perfectly describes the both of us. I have grown to see you flourish and change so much into such an amazing person, someone that I aspire to be just like and seeing that you can do it, only inspires me to keep going, even through the worst of times.

I wish you could see YOU through MY eyes, then you would understand just how much I love you and am inspired by you.

You are undeniably the person made for me, my own personal soulmate and I am so happy that we have been chosen to be linked in each other’s journeys. My real lesson from meeting you, is to always trust that God knows what he is doing and to trust the timing. The ones meant for you will arrive right when they are supposed to and change you in ways you didn’t even think possible.

I love you Jameen.